Toddler tantrums: why they happen and what helps

Tantrums come with being a toddler. The AAP says they are most common between ages 1 and 3, that some children have more of them than others, and that they usually get better after age 3, even if they never quite disappear.

So the child lying face-down in the cereal aisle is not a sign that anything has gone wrong. It is a sign of a 2-year-old with a strong opinion and not many words for it.

Why tantrums happen

The AAP’s explanation is straightforward: young children use tantrums to get needs met that they cannot yet express any other way. The feeling is fully grown. The language to go with it is not.

Personality plays a part too, which is why siblings raised in the same house can be very different. And the AAP notes that tantrums peak when a child is hungry or overtired, which will surprise no one who has tried to leave a playground at 5 p.m.

The CDC frames it another way: all behavior is a form of communication, and an opportunity to connect. A tantrum is a loud message, but it is still a message.

Before one starts

Much of what helps happens well before the floor gets involved.

Catch them being good. The AAP suggests plenty of attention and specific praise for the behavior you want. The CDC says the same thing in terms of consequences: attention given right after a behavior, positive or negative, makes that behavior more likely to happen again. Praise, hugs and high-fives are all on its list.

Offer small choices. The AAP suggests giving a child small, directed choices instead of yes-or-no questions. “The red cup or the blue cup” goes better than “Do you want a drink?”, and it hands over a little control that might otherwise be fought for.

Choose your battles. The AAP suggests accommodating when you can. Not every request needs a ruling.

Know the limits of the day. Some days are harder. The AAP suggests recognizing your child’s limits, carrying a healthy snack when you go out, and protecting naps and sleep.

Be consistent. Consistency from day to day, the AAP says, lowers how often tantrums happen and how intense they are.

During

Try a change of scene. The AAP suggests redirecting: moving to a different room, offering a safer toy, or singing a silly song. Distraction is not giving in. It is changing the subject.

Keep everyone safe. The AAP is clear that hitting, kicking, biting and throwing are not ignored. If your child hits or bites, stop it straight away, say clearly that it is not okay, and move them out of the situation. If your child is in danger, such as near a street, hold them firmly.

Hold the line you drew. The CDC notes that most children react emotionally to consequences: begging, crying, sometimes announcing that they hate you. Its advice is that this does not change the decision, because giving in to a tantrum teaches that crying loudly gets results, which makes the next one more likely.

Look after yourself. The AAP suggests staying calm, and taking a break or handing over to another adult when your own frustration builds. Tag-teams are allowed. The CDC adds that spanking, yelling and embarrassing a child are unhealthy and can weaken the relationship.

Afterwards

The AAP suggests letting the tantrum run its course, then returning to your child calmly and with comfort. The storm has passed for them faster than it has for you, and that is fine.

The CDC’s steps for responding to misbehavior end in the same place: briefly explain why a consequence happened, then return to positive communication and praise the behavior you want. The point is to finish on connection, not on the argument.

Keeping every adult on the same plan

A plan only works if it is the same plan on Tuesday as on Saturday. The CDC’s guidance hangs on follow-through: give a warning only if you will act on it, and always act on it once given, or future warnings stop meaning anything. The AAP’s point about consistency from day to day leads to the same conclusion.

That gets harder when more than one adult is involved. If Priya offers the choice of 2 cups, Sam says no to the snack, and Jo hands over the snack because Arjun is crying, Arjun learns a great deal, though not what any of them intended.

Agreeing on a few things together helps: which behaviors get a firm response, what the usual distraction is, how naps and snacks are protected, and who takes over when someone needs a break. Writing down how the day went, especially naps and meals, means the next adult knows whether they are walking into a hungry, overtired afternoon.

Sources

• Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums — HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Tips for Responding to Behavior — Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

This is educational information from public sources, not a replacement for advice from your child’s healthcare professional.

In Withya, the shared notes under Care let every adult see what the day held before the meltdown.